New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
