and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
