every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
