Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
