The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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