My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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