people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She announced her abortion via fbk
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize