oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize