I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
