he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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