i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
