If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
