Sorry, I don't speak sober.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
