i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
