the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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