No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
