fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
