I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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