I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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