Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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