get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
