3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think my moral compass just broke
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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