Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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