I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
