I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
i need some magic done to my vagina
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
