the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
