remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
