What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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