Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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