The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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