Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
