if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
