How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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