god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
His hands were made for my vagina.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
