in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
