On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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