I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
