apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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