a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
