I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Banned from zoo.
Again?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
