I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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