Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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