Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
