I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
