Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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