Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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