If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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