i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
