Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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