I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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