Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
