wanna go halves on a baby?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
