Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Let's paint friendship bongs
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
