I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
