Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
