now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
you had me at cake vodka
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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