i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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