she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
